


Discworld drabbles

by grassangel



Category: Discworld - Terry Pratchett
Genre: Crack, Ficlet Collection, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-10-23
Updated: 2008-03-06
Packaged: 2019-05-29 00:18:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,070
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15060926
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grassangel/pseuds/grassangel
Summary: Beware the randomity! And the cockatoo! All of these drabbles and ficlets unless otherwise stated were written for the 31 days community on LiveJournal.





	1. Here, take Mr Banana

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Bursar's condition acts up during a faculty meeting and requires his medication.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Day/Theme:** Oct. 11th 'take one and call me in the morning'  
>  **Characters:** The Bursar, the Dean, Ridcully, Lecturer in Recent Runes, the Librarian  
>  **Warnings:** Randomness
> 
> Undoubtedly the Bursar is one of the more difficult characters to write. Simply because he is random.

"But I draw the line at daisies." The Bursar pointed emphatically towards the sheet of paper he had been given, "even though the gnomes will be unhappy."

"Err... I don't believe you heard us right Bursar, the gnomes are unhappy because there ARE daisies. We want need to get approval from all the board in order to remove them. We need your approval even though it's got nothing to do with finances." The Dean clarified, hoping that he would get a sensible answer.

"Well, the cheese will get no say if this continues." The Bursar crossed his arms in defiance; though no-one was sure what at because once figures left the equation the Bursar was just a bunch of disconnected brain cells.

"Moving along then..." Mustrum Ridcully ushered the meeting forwards, "Our next is that of moving the-"

"The cheese rejects this notion and requests that we have afternoon tea!" There was a rather expected outburst from the Bursar which everyone ignored until he continued.  
"Dame pineapple agrees with the cheese on this point and wishes to make his intentions clear concerning the state of the pie." He continued happily rambling on until Ridcully stepped in.

"Someone give him the dried frog pills already! We don't need him rambling for the rest of the meeting!"  
The Lecturer in Recent Runes promptly responded, stuffing several pills into the open mouth of the Bursar and forcing him to swallow them.

"Thank you. Now, as I was saying we need to move the-"

"And the rabbit wishes to be represented too, unless of course it's a tea party. I quite like the sky today. And the dragons are acting up again."

"FROG PILLS."

"Yessir." Again, the frog pills were given to the Bursar and Ridcully was just about to start again when, again, the Bursar interrupted.

"DEAN! Are you sure those are the frog pills?"

"I'm sure sir." He held up the jar to prove his point.

"Well then what's wrong with him?!"

The librarian got up in response and walked over the table to the Bursar, peering into his eye and the blabbering mouth before pulling a banana (seemingly) out of nowhere and handing it to the Bursar.

"Ook." He turned to the rest of the wizards. "Ook eek oook ook." He grinned and ambled back to his seat, still grinning.

"Mr. Banana!" The Bursar smiled and started peeling and happily eating it.

The rest of the wizards looked blankly at each other as the Bursar remained quiet.

"What was that all about?" Mustrum Ridcully looked around at his associates before the Dean spoke up.

"I think he said that he'll see what the Bursar is like in the morning after that banana."

"Well, if that's the case... We need to talk about moving the student dorms again."


	2. Not telling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nobbs has a secret he doesn't want to tell the rest of the Watch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Day/Theme:** Oct. 13th 'things I will regret'  
>  **Character/Pairing:** The Nightwatch (Nobbs, Fred Colon, Carrot and Angua plus sundry unnamed others)
> 
> Note: I apologise in advance for the horrid characterization. And for this being completely pointless.

"Come on Nobbs, tell us."

"I refuse."

"Please Nobby, the others are just dying to know what's so secret."

"I ain't telling."

"Aww, com'on." Fred Colon nudged his friend. "Tell. You know we won't tell anyone."

"Still not telling." Nobby crossed his arms in defiance.

"We won't tell a soul. I swear on my father's mine that I won't." There was a solemn promise from Carrot.

"Still ain't"

"Will you shut up!" Sergeant Angua stormed, trying to get things to quieten down. "What's the big fuss anyway?"

"Nobbs did something special and he won't tell us!" someone called from the group harassing him.

"Well then," Angua turned around, "what did he do?"

"That's exactly what we've been trying to get him to tells us for the past hour."

"We know it's not something he usually does."

"Like the tea jar." Fred pointed out.

"Or the locker."

"Especially the locker." They all nodded in agreement at this statement before other people started adding other ideas and the noise grew again.

"Nobbs!" They all shut up as she practically shouted. "Will you tell us what you've done?"

"I ain't-" he got glared through by Angua, "I-I I took a shower." Nobbs cringed under the shocked stare of his workmates.

"Good job mate!" Someone slapped him on the back. "There's nothing bad about that!"


	3. Hubble, bubble, boil and trouble

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nanny Ogg tries her hand at brewing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Genre:** Humour  
>  **Theme:** 15\. old age will distill you`

"A home distillery? Really Gytha, you should know better." Granny Weatherwax shook her head at the complex set up of pipes and barrels assembled in Nanny Ogg's kitchen. There several things were dripping from pipe to pipe and barrel to floor and there were faint sounds of things boiling and bubbling merrily away as well as the more ominous sound of something being slowly dissolved from the inside out.

"Oh, Esme, I'm bein' ' _self-sufficent_ '. You know, makin' me own brew on top of making me own food and er... you know other things that I make."

"Gytha, you don't make much more than this," she gestured extravagantly towards the haphazardly set up distillery, "and your own food. Even then, half of your own food is made from assorted bits people have given to you."

"Well, it's what a witch does, isn't it? Taking small payments here and there, and at least I don't hav' to have Wilson coming up here to every month to deliver. He come to taste my brew last month though and hasn't come around since."

"Well, it's nice to see that you're relying on and catering to yourself, Gytha." Granny Weatherwax nodded primly to herself.

"He did say he wanted to try it again this month, but I'm afraid he still hasn't woken up. Poor fellow is still knocked out from the bottle I gave him last time." Nanny Ogg continued pondering, somewhat oblivious to her friend's comment. "I guess he just isn't used to the hard stuff, despite bein' a brewer himself." She toddled off to check on the taps and pipes, carefully turning some on and others off, listening to the gurgling some barrels made and tipping in what appeared to be gunpowder into one of them.

Granny Weatherwax blanched at her statment, and paled even further (Or at least frowned more. Not many people could tell the difference) as she watched assorted substances being poured into the barrels.

She swore that as each addition was made, the slow gurgling of things being dissolved grew louder.

Gulping, she said her goodbye.

"I think I need to go check my bees now."

"Oh!" Granny Ogg called out to her as she passed through the door, "Bring me some honey sometimes so's I can make some mead will you!"


End file.
